The Last ASK DR. HAL! Show of the Season
ASK Dr. HAL
Ends its Season at
12 GALAXIES!
Long Live the Show!
Our LAST performance:
MONDAY, OCTOBER 29th!
COME CELEBRATE WITH US -
Our LAST performance:
MONDAY, OCTOBER 29th!
COME CELEBRATE WITH US -
MONDAY NIGHT
UNTIL MIDNIGHT, STARTING AT 9 PM!!
YOUR FINAL CHANCE...
...TO SEE AND BE A PART OF
UNTIL MIDNIGHT, STARTING AT 9 PM!!
YOUR FINAL CHANCE...
...TO SEE AND BE A PART OF
THIS ON GOING EVENT--
with many great features, including:
AGATHAUMAS AGONISTES!
A PREHISTORIC GIANT IN MORTAL COMBAT!
FLAME-SPEWING ALIEN GIANT SPIDER ATTACK!
UNEARTHLY ARACHNID LASHES OUT WITH FIRE BEAM!
SPACE SCIENCE NEWS with PETE GOLDIE!
NEWS & VIEWS FROM THE OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM!
DAVID CAPURRO'S INTERNET ROULETTE!
TAKE YOUR CHANCES-- NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
KrOB'S FILM FARM PREVUE!
THE SKINNY ON HIS LATEST CHEZ POULET EXHIBITION!
CHICKEN JOHN'S DEVELOPING MAYORAL PLANS!
WHAT DOES SAN FRANCISCO'S FUTURE HOLD?
--AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!
Our Award-Winning Formula-- Gags, Goofs, Girls-- and now, POLITICS!
For Immediate Release:
San Francisco-- Ask Dr. Hal! is about to close. There will be another season, probably in the
Spring of next year. But for now, join us for our last extravaganza at 12 Galaxies, the final
irritating iteration of the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) night club act. Have you been missing
it? Well, we've missed you. Come, if you're free. Enjoy a night of our special brand of entertainment.
And take note: this last Barbaric Yawp of our new and improved stage sensation promises to be at
Nine PM sharp,
a time fewer people are expected to profess to find more than ordinarily inconvenient. This is no joke--
folks, we have SO MUCH NEW MATERIAL that we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BEGIN AT 9:00! Up to
three hours of concentrated, industrial strength show--
POLITICAL HISTORY IN THE MAKING!
Chicken-- the Other White Mayor!
Yes, unless you're more than ordinarily unobservant and involuted, by now you've probably heard the news
that master showman Chicken John is running for Mayor of San Francisco and could use your vote. Now,
remember, he isn't so much trying to 'win' - I think we're all agreed Gavin Newsom's going to do that-- as to
fight the good fight-- a stellar losing battle; to draw attention to a number of issues that will otherwise
be ignored; and to have fun doing it. Fun, even while attacking the system-- and while being attacked...
Agathaumas sylvestris Attacks... and is Attacked!
Agathaumas (whose name in Greek parses as 'great wonder') is a name given to the remains of a large
ceratopsian dinosaur that lived in what is now Wyoming around 65-70 million years ago during the
Maastrichtian stage of the later Cretaceous.). It was, in fact, the first ceratopsian whose remains were found
and described by an accredited paleontologist, Edward Drinker Cope. But relatively little is known about this
species because the only fossils found were of the back half, the hind end. In fact, many believe it to be, in
all probability, simply a mislabeled Triceratops or perhaps its close relative Torosaurus, though the question
is unsettled and debate continues. For now, Agathaumas is considered a nomen dubium, a scientific name
that is of unknown or doubtful application. So, did it exist, or what? Well, folks, we've got one-- and we'll be
showing it as it swings into action, battling ferocious carnivores with its armored skull which blends the long
facial horns of the Triceratops with a spiked squamosoparietal frill which bristles with hornlike projections, like
that of the Styracosaurus. Remember, dinosaurs were gnarly. Entirely conjectural, but you'll love it-- I do...
Yes, KrOB has prepared another dazzling 'edit' of good old rip-roaring stop-motion animation --with 'The
KrOB Touch.' From the voluminous visual files of mighty KrOB. And if that isn't enough...
How about... a Flame-Throwing Giant Spider? Ready for that?
Yes, KrOB and I put our heads together and lovingly chose this final vignette for our show's sendoff, an exercise
in admittedly speculative exobiology that makes Agathaumas seem scientifically conservative by comparison.
Landing on another world, intrepid astronauts De Rita, Fine and Howard encounter a fearsome and formidably
equipped megalo-arachnid, a huge lycosoform spider that attacks by projecting a destructive jet of flame. Wow!
It just lifts up its leg and out shoots a blast of fire. How does he (or she) do it? It seems most likely that this
alien arthropod, under similar selective pressure, has evolved a weapon like that of Earth's Bombardier Beetle,
Stenaptinus insignis, which has two gland openings near the abdominal tip. The cuticle-lined glands themselves
have two reservoirs for an unusual volatile froth emitted as spray. The larger of these contains hydroquinones and
hydrogen peroxide, while the smaller one, the reaction chamber, contains special enzymes (catalases and
peroxidases). To activate the spray, the beetle mixes the contents of the two compartments, causing oxygen to
be liberated from hydrogen peroxide and the hydroquinones to be oxidized by the freed oxygen. The oxygen
also acts as the propellant, causing the mixture to ‘‘pop’’ out in a fiery burst. The heat that accompanies the
formation of the spray is quite a weapon of offense as well as defense. The exo-spider seems to deploy its fire
squirt not from the abdominal tip, like Stenaptinus, but from a locus on the prosoma, or cephalothorax. Ah,
Nature's infinite inventiveness is indeed wonderful, isn't it? This absolutely educational and scientific presentation is
offered as part of our ongoing show at the Best Night Club Experience for the Discriminating-- Twelve Galaxies.
And, unbelievably, though it may strain credulity, this veritable Omega of Entertainment will admit &
welcome you for an altogether insignificant and trifling admission:
STILL SEVEN PIDDLING DOLLARS!
YES, WE'RE ENDING OUR RUN WITH THE SAME ADMISSION PRICE WE
STARTED WITH. BEAT THAT IF YOU CAN FOR A BARGAIN-BASEMENT
BARGAIN. YOWZA! WITH ALL YOUR FAVORITES:
Our Science Stalwart...
Robots who are now probing our neighboring worlds in outer space transmit their discoveries to Pete Goldie, the
noted bon vivant and man-about-town. But although Pete's purview may be the endless starry reaches of space,
his feet, I can tell you, are planted firmly on the ground. And just for this final show, KrOB and I have created an
all-new, special introductory montage sequence to welcome him on stage. In our programme, Boffo Boffin
Pete deals with various types of heavenly bodies-- no, not that kind --I mean celestial objects (such as moons,
planets, comets, stars and galaxies) and related phenomena that originate outside the Earth's atmosphere
(such as auroras and cosmic background radiation). A student of the evolution, physics, chemistry,
meteorology, and motion of these, as well as the formation and development of the Big Mystery, the universe
itself, Pete, proud Papa that he now is, isn't above mischievously slipping 'cute' pictures of baby Daria Lyn
Goldie (born 5/23/07) into his illustrated presentation among the rare snapshots of strange worlds. He's a doting
dad, so what can you do? A perennially popular Dr. Hal Show Special Featurette.
New! KrOB's Film Farm Prevue!
The last Ask Dr. Hal! show will be trailed by an engagement of KrOB's Film Farm, as is traditional. The following
Tuesday, October 30th, the very Eve of Hallowe'en, he'll show the immortal Abbot and Costello Meet
Frankenstein (1948). Back in the day, in the '40s and '50s, Abbott and Costello were America's preeminent film
comedians, translating their popular stage act to several motion pictures and becoming part of the 20th century's
pop-culture landscape. And, as it happened, in the late '40s Universal Studios realized they had two very
marketable items under their contractual roof, as the duo were building a popular film career not too far away from a
legion of legendary movie monsters who had been turning out more and more implausible sequels year after year.
1944's House of Frankenstein, for example, is a (very entertaining) monster rally which is practically A & C Meet
Frank minus the comedic twosome. And so, in the final, magnificent example of Universal's monster world, in which
Lugosi gives his all, throwing himself into the Dracula role for the last time, and John P. Fulton's great special
effects still entertain, Bud and Lou make cinematic history-- and the best of any of their own comedies. 'The Boys'
don't actually meet Dr. Frankenstein, of course, but they do tangle not only with Frankenstein's Monster (Glenn
Strange), on whose unearthly, cadaverous physiognomy the old Don Post Monster Mask was based, not Karloff--
but also Dracula (Bela Lugosi) and The Wolf Man (Lon Chaney Jr.). The plot is rather interesting-- this far along
in the Universal monster movie cycle we now observe a sinister and clearly defined Conspiracy of the Monsters. The
story centers around the undead Count Dracula, who has acquired Frankenstein's creature, but wants to improve it--
with a more suggestible, more docile brain-- Lou Costello's, in fact. Surprisingly funny, genuinely atmospheric, and
inventive, it's a movie worth cultivating-- a KrOB Klassic. And at Chez Poulet, 3359 ARMY (Cesar Chavez) St. @
Mission, KrOB will also show his marvelous Eye Noise edits, making this last iteration of the Film Farm (at least for
the time being) a don't-miss for this Hallowe'en Season. With FREE popcorn and gratuitous SPY antics...
That's KrOB's Film Farm-- Wednesday, OCT. 17th @ 8PM-- FREE!
Social Notes
Ask Dr. Hal!'s penultimate nite was better attended than the one just before that, a lively crowd, too, in which
we made out a number of 'regulars--' peripatetic Paul Pot, f'rinstance, & jocose Josh the Orange Boxman. The
latter, part of a Science Team bringing to (& opening up on) the ADHS stage a Time Capsule all the way
back from... get ready for it... here it comes... our last season --we'll soon be wishing bon voyage as he leaves
these shores, more or less permanently... We'll hate to lose such a steady customer... Lovely Janay Growden
was there to toss at least 1 question for us into the mix, but didn't stick around for later, so we missed an
anticipated yak session post-show. We can tell you (plug-ola alert!) that as Stars & Garters Theatre Co. takes
over Amnesia this All Hallows Eve, Janay's group, Knees and Elbows'll be playing-- sounds like the place to be.
KrOB thinks so, and he's planning to hang out there that night... Poor KrOB. During Show nite at 1 pt. a zombie-
fied Spy put the bite on the poor cuss. K.r.'s been a-lookin' mighty poorly ever since. You know what happens to
you when you get bit by one o' them things... Oh well, only one more of these (ADHS's) to go this season; here's
hoping he can hold out to the end... In addit'n to slinky Spy, another delectable damozel, Deirdre, put in an
appearance, along with curvaceous Cameron McHenry & Loop! Station's ravishing Robin Coomer...
Delectable Dawn graced the house, as did gorgeous Jennifer Satariano... And newlywedz Shannon O' Hare
& the missus, the former Kathy Tucker, got up on our stage to drink a bumper of Fernet to the health of the
krowd. Also along: Shannon's son & scion Sean O'Hare. See? We really are 'Fun 4 the Whole Family...'
Noted bon vivant Sir Geoffrey Smart showed up early & left late... John Hell came in and gave up his Mon.
nite Pirate Cat Radio slot-- usually he's on, then, but 4 the time being we're pre-empting, as PCR's own Dr.
Monkey simulcasts the Show rite there @ 12G. Gee! Helluva good sport that John is... Other media in the
Pheeding Phrenzy that nite were the Documentary krewe that've been following candidate Chicken around
lately-- they were sure there, as was Mystery Man D. Atman Wellwood with his vidcam... Space savant
'Doc' Pete Goldie was battling a virus & shoulda been home in bed, but selfless dedication to the Muse of
Science brought him back 2 our Stage... 'Twas a good night. But then, sad to say... well, we'd just rec'd a gift
from dynamic Dee Dee Russell of Dee Dee TV fame-- some o'you might've seen how she's often running an
attraction @ Anon Salon featuring one of her specialties-- ultra-glam blinky lites --so you can understand our
delite when she offered to replace the ailing, failing 1 in our hat, the Eyeball Fez. The lite we were using, 2
weak in Moxie to blink thru the show, used to poop out well before the Speed Round. So generous Dee Dee--
she wuz there with assistant Andrew Trice-- gifted Yours Truly with a brand new one, complete with magnetic
attachment & even spare batteries. Worked beautifully, too. And then, rite after the Show, after I left the dressing
room to turn in the money at the bar-- someone went in there & stole my red Eyeball Fez. This person, who
claims to be part of a group of people known as the 'Factcheckers,' has been sending me taunting e-mails
since then. Gone my special Show Hat, gone my newly acquired, used-only-once blinky-lite w/ magnetic
attachment... Everything had gone so well, too, up to then... How discouraging... But don't fret; I think I can get it
together for 1 final blast of an Ask Dr. Hal! show & close the season 2 everybody's satisfaction... See you there!
Happy Hallowe'en...
All through October the Dark Room Theater has been presenting it's CREEPSHOW LIVE, a
hilarious horror anthology series. It winds up Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights-- no Sunday
matinée, please note. That's October 25th-27th. Each show is introduced by an EC Comics-style
'Horror Host.' I, Dr. Howland Owll got to be one of these-- fulfilling a lifelong ambition, by the way.
Sorry if you missed it-- I sent out an announcement to my 'list' at the time... But if you want to see
me in my rôle as The Old Sepulcher-Squatter (heh..heh...heh) the indefatigable Bug Girl was there
and put up a few amusing excerpts on You Tube. Here, for those who are interested, are the URL's:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B07fGcGmtO4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2uIscTHsKw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf8vk0hmgBg
Radio Log (courtesy of KrOB)
Now all you shut-ins can catch the live show on radio! It's true, thanx to Dr. Monkey of
Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9 FM. Each show'll be simulcast, then re-broadcast Wednesday nights
from 10 PM to Midnight, the same slot KrOB and I have been doing the radio version of ADHS
in up to now. Here are the dates, mates:
Monday Oct 29 - 12G simulcast 10 - Midnight
Wednesday Oct 31 - PCR podcast (re-run of 12G show 10 PM - Midnight,
and perhaps (this isn't yet certain)
Tuesday Nov 6th - 9 PM - Midnight, followed by
Wednesday Nov 7 - PCR podcast-- 10 PM - Midnight...
And don't forget to listen to Dr. Hal on Puzzling Evidence, the show on KPFA 94.1 FM
every Friday morning, 3-5 AM...
Campaign Song
(Briskly, March tempo)
We want Chicken,
We want Chicken,
We want Chicken for our Mayor,
We want Chicken, 'cause we're sick 'n
Tired of a City that's unfair!
Up with Chicken!
Down with Newsom!
Show San Francisco that you care--
Help
Him win the Race,
The Race
For Second Place--
Vote for Chicken, for Mayor!
(Repeat)
Disclaimer (Boilerplate. Brought back by popular demand. For completists only.)
'Ask Dr. Hal' is open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken
John permanently 86's. Don't be a-messin' with him, mister. Special consultations and hands-on
initiations are available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile females over the currently
legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else, including jugglers, saw players, and all other would-be
prospective opening act performers, is asked to present his or her resume, life history, astrological
chart, nude photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, pickled punks, tortillas or
stained BVDs with miraculous portraits of Jesus thereon, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs
and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted 'Chicken'John for evaluation when he is available
and not stumping up and down S.F. for your vote. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my
time at present, to provide (shudder) 'relationship' advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses,
advise you in legal, medical or personal matters, critique your 'poetry,' artwork or the manuscript of
your novel, or perform an impromptu phrenological or proctological examination. Sorry, I must refrain
from answering questions when 'off duty.' This is a period and condition which begins at the moment
the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding,
don't come at me with questions when it's not Monday and I'm not doing the show. Why can't you
understand this? Now they've even stolen my Fez-- like the hillbillies in the joke who shot up the movie
screen when the villain appeared, they can't tell the difference between art and life. How discouraging...
sigh... at least this is the last one of these for a while.Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up,
no shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor
for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, balkers, stalkers, young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked.
Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your
block to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences. Hollering & yelling at the
stage from the audience will be severely discouraged. For interface during showtime we suggest the
'side note.' Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate entertainment retreats,
secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum
grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated machinery to buy.
Anyone can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age). We always
show a dinosaur movie. Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided free of
charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem
Animal. Hypnotic and horrific. Reads tea leaves and T-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates
missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning of Life and the
secrets of human hearts in this world and the next, for all the good it does. Will design your tattoo.
Available for Sex Magick, though at times barely able to function sexually. Bring your parents and loved
ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past Lives and Life of the Past. Yes, our show's the
most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most
fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend, at least until Chicken offends them and
in consequence they move to the other side of town. C'est la vie. But they really are maddeningly lovely, yes
indeed. A co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved. Available for cold plunges and
hot tubs. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the
head and the contours of the uncovered female body. From now on until the Fifth Angel opens the
bottomless pit, out of which, the Good Book tells us, will then pour a swarm of bizarre arthropods to
torment sinful humanity all questions instantly and irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal
Robins, and Chicken John Productions. We reserve the right to refuse service to you and all your kin,
reject inappropriate questions and eject inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and
at will. Attn. Mission drunks, tosspots, plug-uglies and owlhoots: if you try to disrupt our show, you will be
'bounced.' As for everybody else, Chicken may unaccountably pelt you with wadded up papers-- but it's all
in good fun, isn't it? Although it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not
ensure your appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope
containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument,
the better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a so-called 'Bardic Recitation.'
Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by the ghastly, gabby Leslie Sternbergh-
donated talking 8-ball (once heard on KQED FM) which can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a 'yes or
no' question, this type of answer frankly doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just
the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. That's right. You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or
political party endorsed. And if you don't see what you want, just ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved
for Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Featured on the radio, and in the Italian Daily Press. Taped for TV.
Quoted at parties. Rough on Rats. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive
in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your
mind at unguarded moments. Better than 'The Playboy Advisor,' and certainly cheaper. Are you really actually
reading this? You are? Good for you. At least somebody is. We're obviously not for everybody, but then, as R.
Crumb said, not everything's for children-- not everything's for everybody. Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate
our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election, vote them out of
office this time. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized! We're located in the fluttering, fibrillating, palpitating
Heart of the teeming Mission, at 2565 Mission Street near 22nd. Read all instructions (provided) before
participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment. And
don't fail to visit the Ask Dr. Hal! Web Site:
http://www.askdrhal.com/
with many great features, including:
AGATHAUMAS AGONISTES!
A PREHISTORIC GIANT IN MORTAL COMBAT!
FLAME-SPEWING ALIEN GIANT SPIDER ATTACK!
UNEARTHLY ARACHNID LASHES OUT WITH FIRE BEAM!
SPACE SCIENCE NEWS with PETE GOLDIE!
NEWS & VIEWS FROM THE OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM!
DAVID CAPURRO'S INTERNET ROULETTE!
TAKE YOUR CHANCES-- NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
KrOB'S FILM FARM PREVUE!
THE SKINNY ON HIS LATEST CHEZ POULET EXHIBITION!
CHICKEN JOHN'S DEVELOPING MAYORAL PLANS!
WHAT DOES SAN FRANCISCO'S FUTURE HOLD?
--AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!
Our Award-Winning Formula-- Gags, Goofs, Girls-- and now, POLITICS!
For Immediate Release:
San Francisco-- Ask Dr. Hal! is about to close. There will be another season, probably in the
Spring of next year. But for now, join us for our last extravaganza at 12 Galaxies, the final
irritating iteration of the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) night club act. Have you been missing
it? Well, we've missed you. Come, if you're free. Enjoy a night of our special brand of entertainment.
And take note: this last Barbaric Yawp of our new and improved stage sensation promises to be at
Nine PM sharp,
a time fewer people are expected to profess to find more than ordinarily inconvenient. This is no joke--
folks, we have SO MUCH NEW MATERIAL that we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BEGIN AT 9:00! Up to
three hours of concentrated, industrial strength show--
POLITICAL HISTORY IN THE MAKING!
Chicken-- the Other White Mayor!
Yes, unless you're more than ordinarily unobservant and involuted, by now you've probably heard the news
that master showman Chicken John is running for Mayor of San Francisco and could use your vote. Now,
remember, he isn't so much trying to 'win' - I think we're all agreed Gavin Newsom's going to do that-- as to
fight the good fight-- a stellar losing battle; to draw attention to a number of issues that will otherwise
be ignored; and to have fun doing it. Fun, even while attacking the system-- and while being attacked...
Agathaumas sylvestris Attacks... and is Attacked!
Agathaumas (whose name in Greek parses as 'great wonder') is a name given to the remains of a large
ceratopsian dinosaur that lived in what is now Wyoming around 65-70 million years ago during the
Maastrichtian stage of the later Cretaceous.). It was, in fact, the first ceratopsian whose remains were found
and described by an accredited paleontologist, Edward Drinker Cope. But relatively little is known about this
species because the only fossils found were of the back half, the hind end. In fact, many believe it to be, in
all probability, simply a mislabeled Triceratops or perhaps its close relative Torosaurus, though the question
is unsettled and debate continues. For now, Agathaumas is considered a nomen dubium, a scientific name
that is of unknown or doubtful application. So, did it exist, or what? Well, folks, we've got one-- and we'll be
showing it as it swings into action, battling ferocious carnivores with its armored skull which blends the long
facial horns of the Triceratops with a spiked squamosoparietal frill which bristles with hornlike projections, like
that of the Styracosaurus. Remember, dinosaurs were gnarly. Entirely conjectural, but you'll love it-- I do...
Yes, KrOB has prepared another dazzling 'edit' of good old rip-roaring stop-motion animation --with 'The
KrOB Touch.' From the voluminous visual files of mighty KrOB. And if that isn't enough...
How about... a Flame-Throwing Giant Spider? Ready for that?
Yes, KrOB and I put our heads together and lovingly chose this final vignette for our show's sendoff, an exercise
in admittedly speculative exobiology that makes Agathaumas seem scientifically conservative by comparison.
Landing on another world, intrepid astronauts De Rita, Fine and Howard encounter a fearsome and formidably
equipped megalo-arachnid, a huge lycosoform spider that attacks by projecting a destructive jet of flame. Wow!
It just lifts up its leg and out shoots a blast of fire. How does he (or she) do it? It seems most likely that this
alien arthropod, under similar selective pressure, has evolved a weapon like that of Earth's Bombardier Beetle,
Stenaptinus insignis, which has two gland openings near the abdominal tip. The cuticle-lined glands themselves
have two reservoirs for an unusual volatile froth emitted as spray. The larger of these contains hydroquinones and
hydrogen peroxide, while the smaller one, the reaction chamber, contains special enzymes (catalases and
peroxidases). To activate the spray, the beetle mixes the contents of the two compartments, causing oxygen to
be liberated from hydrogen peroxide and the hydroquinones to be oxidized by the freed oxygen. The oxygen
also acts as the propellant, causing the mixture to ‘‘pop’’ out in a fiery burst. The heat that accompanies the
formation of the spray is quite a weapon of offense as well as defense. The exo-spider seems to deploy its fire
squirt not from the abdominal tip, like Stenaptinus, but from a locus on the prosoma, or cephalothorax. Ah,
Nature's infinite inventiveness is indeed wonderful, isn't it? This absolutely educational and scientific presentation is
offered as part of our ongoing show at the Best Night Club Experience for the Discriminating-- Twelve Galaxies.
And, unbelievably, though it may strain credulity, this veritable Omega of Entertainment will admit &
welcome you for an altogether insignificant and trifling admission:
STILL SEVEN PIDDLING DOLLARS!
YES, WE'RE ENDING OUR RUN WITH THE SAME ADMISSION PRICE WE
STARTED WITH. BEAT THAT IF YOU CAN FOR A BARGAIN-BASEMENT
BARGAIN. YOWZA! WITH ALL YOUR FAVORITES:
Our Science Stalwart...
Robots who are now probing our neighboring worlds in outer space transmit their discoveries to Pete Goldie, the
noted bon vivant and man-about-town. But although Pete's purview may be the endless starry reaches of space,
his feet, I can tell you, are planted firmly on the ground. And just for this final show, KrOB and I have created an
all-new, special introductory montage sequence to welcome him on stage. In our programme, Boffo Boffin
Pete deals with various types of heavenly bodies-- no, not that kind --I mean celestial objects (such as moons,
planets, comets, stars and galaxies) and related phenomena that originate outside the Earth's atmosphere
(such as auroras and cosmic background radiation). A student of the evolution, physics, chemistry,
meteorology, and motion of these, as well as the formation and development of the Big Mystery, the universe
itself, Pete, proud Papa that he now is, isn't above mischievously slipping 'cute' pictures of baby Daria Lyn
Goldie (born 5/23/07) into his illustrated presentation among the rare snapshots of strange worlds. He's a doting
dad, so what can you do? A perennially popular Dr. Hal Show Special Featurette.
New! KrOB's Film Farm Prevue!
The last Ask Dr. Hal! show will be trailed by an engagement of KrOB's Film Farm, as is traditional. The following
Tuesday, October 30th, the very Eve of Hallowe'en, he'll show the immortal Abbot and Costello Meet
Frankenstein (1948). Back in the day, in the '40s and '50s, Abbott and Costello were America's preeminent film
comedians, translating their popular stage act to several motion pictures and becoming part of the 20th century's
pop-culture landscape. And, as it happened, in the late '40s Universal Studios realized they had two very
marketable items under their contractual roof, as the duo were building a popular film career not too far away from a
legion of legendary movie monsters who had been turning out more and more implausible sequels year after year.
1944's House of Frankenstein, for example, is a (very entertaining) monster rally which is practically A & C Meet
Frank minus the comedic twosome. And so, in the final, magnificent example of Universal's monster world, in which
Lugosi gives his all, throwing himself into the Dracula role for the last time, and John P. Fulton's great special
effects still entertain, Bud and Lou make cinematic history-- and the best of any of their own comedies. 'The Boys'
don't actually meet Dr. Frankenstein, of course, but they do tangle not only with Frankenstein's Monster (Glenn
Strange), on whose unearthly, cadaverous physiognomy the old Don Post Monster Mask was based, not Karloff--
but also Dracula (Bela Lugosi) and The Wolf Man (Lon Chaney Jr.). The plot is rather interesting-- this far along
in the Universal monster movie cycle we now observe a sinister and clearly defined Conspiracy of the Monsters. The
story centers around the undead Count Dracula, who has acquired Frankenstein's creature, but wants to improve it--
with a more suggestible, more docile brain-- Lou Costello's, in fact. Surprisingly funny, genuinely atmospheric, and
inventive, it's a movie worth cultivating-- a KrOB Klassic. And at Chez Poulet, 3359 ARMY (Cesar Chavez) St. @
Mission, KrOB will also show his marvelous Eye Noise edits, making this last iteration of the Film Farm (at least for
the time being) a don't-miss for this Hallowe'en Season. With FREE popcorn and gratuitous SPY antics...
That's KrOB's Film Farm-- Wednesday, OCT. 17th @ 8PM-- FREE!
Social Notes
Ask Dr. Hal!'s penultimate nite was better attended than the one just before that, a lively crowd, too, in which
we made out a number of 'regulars--' peripatetic Paul Pot, f'rinstance, & jocose Josh the Orange Boxman. The
latter, part of a Science Team bringing to (& opening up on) the ADHS stage a Time Capsule all the way
back from... get ready for it... here it comes... our last season --we'll soon be wishing bon voyage as he leaves
these shores, more or less permanently... We'll hate to lose such a steady customer... Lovely Janay Growden
was there to toss at least 1 question for us into the mix, but didn't stick around for later, so we missed an
anticipated yak session post-show. We can tell you (plug-ola alert!) that as Stars & Garters Theatre Co. takes
over Amnesia this All Hallows Eve, Janay's group, Knees and Elbows'll be playing-- sounds like the place to be.
KrOB thinks so, and he's planning to hang out there that night... Poor KrOB. During Show nite at 1 pt. a zombie-
fied Spy put the bite on the poor cuss. K.r.'s been a-lookin' mighty poorly ever since. You know what happens to
you when you get bit by one o' them things... Oh well, only one more of these (ADHS's) to go this season; here's
hoping he can hold out to the end... In addit'n to slinky Spy, another delectable damozel, Deirdre, put in an
appearance, along with curvaceous Cameron McHenry & Loop! Station's ravishing Robin Coomer...
Delectable Dawn graced the house, as did gorgeous Jennifer Satariano... And newlywedz Shannon O' Hare
& the missus, the former Kathy Tucker, got up on our stage to drink a bumper of Fernet to the health of the
krowd. Also along: Shannon's son & scion Sean O'Hare. See? We really are 'Fun 4 the Whole Family...'
Noted bon vivant Sir Geoffrey Smart showed up early & left late... John Hell came in and gave up his Mon.
nite Pirate Cat Radio slot-- usually he's on, then, but 4 the time being we're pre-empting, as PCR's own Dr.
Monkey simulcasts the Show rite there @ 12G. Gee! Helluva good sport that John is... Other media in the
Pheeding Phrenzy that nite were the Documentary krewe that've been following candidate Chicken around
lately-- they were sure there, as was Mystery Man D. Atman Wellwood with his vidcam... Space savant
'Doc' Pete Goldie was battling a virus & shoulda been home in bed, but selfless dedication to the Muse of
Science brought him back 2 our Stage... 'Twas a good night. But then, sad to say... well, we'd just rec'd a gift
from dynamic Dee Dee Russell of Dee Dee TV fame-- some o'you might've seen how she's often running an
attraction @ Anon Salon featuring one of her specialties-- ultra-glam blinky lites --so you can understand our
delite when she offered to replace the ailing, failing 1 in our hat, the Eyeball Fez. The lite we were using, 2
weak in Moxie to blink thru the show, used to poop out well before the Speed Round. So generous Dee Dee--
she wuz there with assistant Andrew Trice-- gifted Yours Truly with a brand new one, complete with magnetic
attachment & even spare batteries. Worked beautifully, too. And then, rite after the Show, after I left the dressing
room to turn in the money at the bar-- someone went in there & stole my red Eyeball Fez. This person, who
claims to be part of a group of people known as the 'Factcheckers,' has been sending me taunting e-mails
since then. Gone my special Show Hat, gone my newly acquired, used-only-once blinky-lite w/ magnetic
attachment... Everything had gone so well, too, up to then... How discouraging... But don't fret; I think I can get it
together for 1 final blast of an Ask Dr. Hal! show & close the season 2 everybody's satisfaction... See you there!
Happy Hallowe'en...
All through October the Dark Room Theater has been presenting it's CREEPSHOW LIVE, a
hilarious horror anthology series. It winds up Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights-- no Sunday
matinée, please note. That's October 25th-27th. Each show is introduced by an EC Comics-style
'Horror Host.' I, Dr. Howland Owll got to be one of these-- fulfilling a lifelong ambition, by the way.
Sorry if you missed it-- I sent out an announcement to my 'list' at the time... But if you want to see
me in my rôle as The Old Sepulcher-Squatter (heh..heh...heh) the indefatigable Bug Girl was there
and put up a few amusing excerpts on You Tube. Here, for those who are interested, are the URL's:
Radio Log (courtesy of KrOB)
Now all you shut-ins can catch the live show on radio! It's true, thanx to Dr. Monkey of
Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9 FM. Each show'll be simulcast, then re-broadcast Wednesday nights
from 10 PM to Midnight, the same slot KrOB and I have been doing the radio version of ADHS
in up to now. Here are the dates, mates:
Monday Oct 29 - 12G simulcast 10 - Midnight
Wednesday Oct 31 - PCR podcast (re-run of 12G show 10 PM - Midnight,
and perhaps (this isn't yet certain)
Tuesday Nov 6th - 9 PM - Midnight, followed by
Wednesday Nov 7 - PCR podcast-- 10 PM - Midnight...
And don't forget to listen to Dr. Hal on Puzzling Evidence, the show on KPFA 94.1 FM
every Friday morning, 3-5 AM...
Campaign Song
(Briskly, March tempo)
Disclaimer (Boilerplate. Brought back by popular demand. For completists only.)
'Ask Dr. Hal' is open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken
John permanently 86's. Don't be a-messin' with him, mister. Special consultations and hands-on
initiations are available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile females over the currently
legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else, including jugglers, saw players, and all other would-be
prospective opening act performers, is asked to present his or her resume, life history, astrological
chart, nude photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, pickled punks, tortillas or
stained BVDs with miraculous portraits of Jesus thereon, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs
and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted 'Chicken'John for evaluation when he is available
and not stumping up and down S.F. for your vote. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my
time at present, to provide (shudder) 'relationship' advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses,
advise you in legal, medical or personal matters, critique your 'poetry,' artwork or the manuscript of
your novel, or perform an impromptu phrenological or proctological examination. Sorry, I must refrain
from answering questions when 'off duty.' This is a period and condition which begins at the moment
the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding,
don't come at me with questions when it's not Monday and I'm not doing the show. Why can't you
understand this? Now they've even stolen my Fez-- like the hillbillies in the joke who shot up the movie
screen when the villain appeared, they can't tell the difference between art and life. How discouraging...
sigh... at least this is the last one of these for a while.Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up,
no shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor
for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, balkers, stalkers, young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked.
Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your
block to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences. Hollering & yelling at the
stage from the audience will be severely discouraged. For interface during showtime we suggest the
'side note.' Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate entertainment retreats,
secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum
grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated machinery to buy.
Anyone can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age). We always
show a dinosaur movie. Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided free of
charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem
Animal. Hypnotic and horrific. Reads tea leaves and T-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates
missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning of Life and the
secrets of human hearts in this world and the next, for all the good it does. Will design your tattoo.
Available for Sex Magick, though at times barely able to function sexually. Bring your parents and loved
ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past Lives and Life of the Past. Yes, our show's the
most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most
fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend, at least until Chicken offends them and
in consequence they move to the other side of town. C'est la vie. But they really are maddeningly lovely, yes
indeed. A co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved. Available for cold plunges and
hot tubs. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the
head and the contours of the uncovered female body. From now on until the Fifth Angel opens the
bottomless pit, out of which, the Good Book tells us, will then pour a swarm of bizarre arthropods to
torment sinful humanity all questions instantly and irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal
Robins, and Chicken John Productions. We reserve the right to refuse service to you and all your kin,
reject inappropriate questions and eject inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and
at will. Attn. Mission drunks, tosspots, plug-uglies and owlhoots: if you try to disrupt our show, you will be
'bounced.' As for everybody else, Chicken may unaccountably pelt you with wadded up papers-- but it's all
in good fun, isn't it? Although it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not
ensure your appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope
containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument,
the better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a so-called 'Bardic Recitation.'
Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by the ghastly, gabby Leslie Sternbergh-
donated talking 8-ball (once heard on KQED FM) which can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a 'yes or
no' question, this type of answer frankly doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just
the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. That's right. You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or
political party endorsed. And if you don't see what you want, just ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved
for Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Featured on the radio, and in the Italian Daily Press. Taped for TV.
Quoted at parties. Rough on Rats. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive
in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your
mind at unguarded moments. Better than 'The Playboy Advisor,' and certainly cheaper. Are you really actually
reading this? You are? Good for you. At least somebody is. We're obviously not for everybody, but then, as R.
Crumb said, not everything's for children-- not everything's for everybody. Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate
our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election, vote them out of
office this time. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized! We're located in the fluttering, fibrillating, palpitating
Heart of the teeming Mission, at 2565 Mission Street near 22nd. Read all instructions (provided) before
participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment. And
don't fail to visit the Ask Dr. Hal! Web Site:
http://www.askdrhal.com/
Monday, 29 October, 2007
09:00 PM - 08:00 PM
Cost:
$7Categories:
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