PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE SECOND OF OUR SHOWS THIS MONTH-- A SPRING SPANGLE WE CALL... Ask Dr. Hal's 18th Amendment! ------ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? ----- WEDNESDAY, March 11th! ==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE== AT The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret where SHOWTIME-- more or less-- BEGINS at around =9:00 PM= THE SLAPDOWN-- Admission: $ 10-ISH ( C H E A P ! ) N O O N E T U R N E D A W A Y ! ( A B A R G A I N ! ) 3359 Cesar Chavez St. (Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood. The Dr. Hal Report Vol. IX No. 18 '...such mirth had the madness and might in thee made, March, master of winds, bright minstrel and marshal of storms /that enkindle the season they smite.' -- Algernon C. Swinburne, March: An Ode THIS WEEK: END IN SIGHT! - COUNTDOWN TO DOOM - RADIO REJECTS - GRASPING AT STRAWS? - MEGALOSAURUS vs. STYRACOSAURUS - COWBOYS ROPE DINOSAURS - SUPERMAN vs. THE MECHANICAL MONSTERS - CAPPY'S MASTER PLAN - PETE GOLDIE'S STARRY WISDOM - KEPLER 'S PLANET-SEEKING MISSION - HOUSE RULES RULE - QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS - SOCIAL NOTES - GIANT CHICKEN IS AC-DC - PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE - HELPING HOLLIS HOME - LOOP! STATION SENSATION - KrOB'S FILM FARM RETURNS WITH MORE BUS RIDES, DOUBLE FEATURES n' MATCHING DESTINATIONS - COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE - BOXMAN PROXMAN - YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE - PUZZO'S NEWEST CLIPS - H ave you seen the Ask Dr. Hal! Show at its current location? It's playing on Cesar Chavez Street at the widely renowned Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret. We always get a good crowd and are putting on some memorable performances. But these shows are coming to an end. Who says so? Why, Chicken John. He's going to be leaving all of us in San Francisco to travel to Europe some time in the next month, all so he can mess around installing cumbrous internal combustion engines from massive American cars in tippy-tippy Euro-'Art Boats' --and since the show these days takes place in his house, though everyone else in our cast would be quite happy to keep on with a 'guest host' (these same exact arrangements have been made successfully before), restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn't want a crowd of people there while he's away and unable to prevent them from invading, shuffling into the various rooms including his sanctum sanctorum, stealing his shirt studs and collar stays, the good silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers and 'borrowing' (permanently) his beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that's it; we're (soon going to be) out of there, it's been swell, and now, perforce, we begin our dreaded... COUNTDOWN TO DOOM! It's still not clear how many shows are left in this cycle. Certainly we'll run through March, maybe do a few in April. Who knows? Not Chicken, not yet. But when he firms up his plans, we will let you know right in this space the exact diminishing number of opportunities remaining to experience the awe and mystery, the wonder and bemusement, the savagery and splendor, we call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show. BUT... WE'LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT? Wrong. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently booted off SF's popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. Because we asked him not to advertise our radio show when we weren't there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved-- and you can guess what happened next-- he exercised the 'Nuclear Option--' that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR's chief factotum blew a gasket-- and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to lay eyes on any of our vexatious visages again-- in short, none of us can e'er return. No, not to that radio station... FAINT GLIMMERS OF HOPE? There do exist a few evanescent wisps of hope that we yet may do some sort of post-Chicken performances, even some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio. But 'twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty KrOB Sabrepop himself would tell you, 'Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!' That's what he'd say. So, we have only to say, keep watching this space-- to see if the idea of a Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope-- or instead one with an ever-so-slight chance of becoming real. Meanwhile, in our remaining run at Chez Poulet, we're more determined than ever to make history in our own way. We've carried the show on for many years now-- and are always refining it a degree or so further, trying to ascertain what 'works' and what we have to conclude never will. KrOB's on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises. And he's got a real corker this week, when the traditional obligatory Monster Clip will transport you to a scene of savage saurian combat, as... KrOB, San Francisco, introduces: SHOWDOWN: STYRACOSAURUS versus MEGALOSAURUS! Yee-haw! Cowboys roping dinosaurs! And, if that's not enough, a rip-roaring battle between a towering theropod and a bellicose ornithischian, a Styracosaurus. Classifying the Styrac's antagonist is more difficult, so the catch-all name of Megalosaurus, into which so many generic carnosaurs have been shunted by taxonomists, is useful here. In a remote valley deep within Mexico's Sierra Madre Oriental, prehistoric survivals flourish, and cowpokes venture to round 'em up. Some skillful lariat-work goes for naught as two reptilian titans ferociously go for each other-- leaving one very bloodied loser and one very clear victor. GRO-O-ONNK! The excitement is palpable in this tour-de-force of a Ray Harryhausen stop-motion sequence. Yet another in a series of unforgettable KrOB 'Edits!' Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if you prefer to, on our 'size-challenged' screen). Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But, before that... WE START... WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON ! That's right-- we do. Just before every performance begins, we screen one of the great animated cartoons, hand-made masterpieces lovingly selected by KrOB. Nine minutes (in this case) of the best theatrical shorts ever committed to film, like last week's entry, one of the best works of our all-time favorite cartoon director, the late Bob Clampett, the incredible Baby Bottleneck (1946). For this week, however, we're (temporarily) leaving Clampett and Warner Bros. for Paramount and the Fleischer Brothers, Max and Dave. On view will be The Mechanical Monsters (1941), one of the best of the Fleischers' Superman series. This Superman cartoon was directed by Dave Fleischer, and features 'fascist realism' of presentation and dynamic action with beautifully designed 'sets' and backgrounds. The animated tale introduces giant, thieving robots, showing the skills of the Fleischers and how well they were qualified to handle the telling of stories from Action Comics. There were 17 of these made in Technicolor for Paramount, and this one, we think, is the absolute best. Superb atmosphere and art direction distinguish this cartoon, coincidentally released on Dr. Hal's birthday (November 28th) in 1941, in which the Man of Steel never looked more heroic, leaping into the sky from the ground in a single, incredible upward panning shot and fighting menacing Art Deco flying robots under the control of a leering, tuxedo-wearing, strangely dapper mad scientist with Brilliantined Gavin Newsom hair and a fashionable pencil moustache. Oh, yes, we think everyone should see this cartoon, and the version we're showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So join us at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won't you? --in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation's once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture. By the way-- you must know by now that we're trying to show you something wonderful here. If you're just going to socialize and ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else a favor and go outside and have a cigarette. Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends. ' ...a great action/adventure cartoon! The fiery dungeon where Lois is suspended over a vat of molten steel makes me want to open a window and get a drink of water.' -- Ray Pointer, Big Cartoon Database HEY, WE GOT... HOOVERVILLE HILLBILLIES ! In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer suspended high above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the rustic Po'bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent for their minimal share of his cavernous domain. It's whispered that they pay not in money but in the product produced in their concealed 'meth' lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard-- that trailer's just too small. Even hillbillies couldn't pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly used in non-Appalachian areas as a reference in describing socially backward people that fit certain 'countrified,' (e.g. rural) characteristics. In this context, it is often, though not always, derogatory. Although the described persons may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, the word is preferred to more disparaging terms like, say, white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in fact has yet been able to determine just how many there are of these folks at Chicken's. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. --will bring them out of their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, hayseed hornets, sodbuster skeeters, backwoods bees, countrified cockroaches, yokel yellow mealworms or rusticated rice weevils. When this happens, the show, we should warn you, may suffer a momentary interruption. We're used to it by now, of course, after all this time. But we can't tell you just to 'ignore this rowdy brood,' as that is truly beyond anyone's powers, when the whole clan suddenly erupts, often in mid-show. Just surrender to the inevitable-- we do-- settle in for the down home shivaree, as the whole clan sets in a-pickin' and a-grinnin' --and proffer a big, friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units 'Big Jed' Moses, 'Daisy Duke' Spy and (of course), the smallest consarned varmint of 'em all, li'l Lucky. A VIEW-HALLOO TO YOU, FRANK CHU! Yes, Frank is back! And we've got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos. 14, 15 n' 16). Like the original Norton, Frank is shown deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn't it? We will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! You'll see him there. See him right now, if you want, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking on the link you'll find in the column at the bottom of the Dr. Hal Report. COMPUTER FREEBOOTER! In a cloud of swirling incense, David 'Yo-Yo Pro' Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years, provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there's a related image up on the screen. I.J. (Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist-- but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he always succeeds. He sure can do it. So he does it. PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE-- IN SPACE! 'Why the !!?@#$%?!!,' Chicken John recently expostulated, 'do we have to let !!?@#$%?!! Pete Goldie go on and on about the !!?@#$%?!! 'Chandra Levy Orbiting Oscilloscope' or whatever the !!?@#$%?!! it is?' But in fact, old contentious Chicken was just blowing off steam-- he really knows the score. In what some consider the best part of our show, ADH Science expert Pete Goldie leads attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing segment, ' (The) Waste(s) of Space.' Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about NASA's new planet-hunting Kepler telescope which launched into space late Friday, lighting up the night sky above Florida as it began an ambitious mission to seek out Earth-like planets around alien stars. Kepler separated from its booster about an hour after liftoff and headed toward an Earth-trailing orbit that will circle the Sun once every 371 days. The successful liftoff came on the heels of NASA's Feb. 24 failure of a landmark climate-monitoring satellite, which crashed into the ocean just after launch. Whew! And, despite the abusive sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken or an unseemly eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l about this and other unimaginable cosmic terrors, shrinking all human achievement to infinitesimal dimensions before the ruthless majesty of the Cosmos. Enjoy! !!?@#$%?!! CHICKEN JOHN SEZ: 'Hey, everybody-- all you !!?@#$%?!!s should come see the !!?@#$%?!! Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new location: my !!?@#$%?!! living room. It's four !!?@#$%?!! guys doing !!?@#$%?!! improv, on 4 different ! !?@#$%?!! levels. It can be !!?@#$%?!! amazing, just !!?@#$%?!! amazing...' NOT A BAR-- BUT YOU CAN DRINK! So there won't be any booze for sale, OK? We don't do the show in a bar any more, so, though it's OK to drink, you need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in the traditional manner-- with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM --the 'Miracle Liquor.' That's how Paul Pot and David 'Cappy' Capurro (see above) do it--and that's the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal! WEB SITE? RIGHT! Visit www.askdrhal.com for more information than you need. THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW - FEATURING FRANK CHU - CHICKEN JOHN - DR. HAL - KrOB - PETE GOLDIE - DAVID CAPURRO - ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED - BARDIC RECITATIONS - FERNET GIVEAWAYS - CARTOONS - KrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS - WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING HILLBILLIES THE 'PO'BUCKETS' - DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO - AS CLOSE AS YOU THINK YOU CAN COME - OUR DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS YOU CROSS HER PALM n' OUR THRESHOLD. WELL-- NOT REALLY. ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT-- IT'LL BE ROBERT LEVY. THAT DOOR-GIRL GOT WISE TO US-- AND IS LONG GONE. ANYWAY, COME ALL, COME ONE, NEW SHOW, NEW RUN... SOCIAL NOTES... And the skies cleared, and the rain ceased, nor blew the wind. All good for biz-- bad weather can diminish the crowd, as we've seen... In a cozy setting, the ADH audience got comfortable n' was enjoying th' show-- when, without warning, part of the floor caved in-- it's happened before, actually. Y'see, a certain 'Cambrian' Chicken John thought he'd save a few pence when he installed the floor-- he went for less than the standard thickness, an economy move. Ever since then, every now n' then-- the bottom drops out. Keeps attendees on their toes... We moved in a few xtra seats, n' all was copacetic... Well, you know what's been going down with the state of the Economy... For best supporting actor in the role of the Giant Chicken, who provides the Sponsor's Product during 'Piazzi' Pete Goldie's astro-wrap-up segment, the nomination went to nonpareil Neiltron, who should get Frequent Question Miles. Nice-guy Neiltron 'laid' (graphically) the jar of Product on the stage, throwing in some gratuitous chicken steps, head bobs n' wing flaps... And it just shows t' go, it's a 'gender neutral' part-- there doesn't have to be a gorgeous wahine inside the feathery fowl, which has been the case upta now for the most part (remember how detached doorman relaxed Robert Levy only draped the pelt like a layer of clothing-- get it? The Chicken Suit was a layer? Y'see, chickens lay-- aah, never mind --over his usual outfit when he essayed the role)... Kudos to delectable Dawn Stott, a.k.a. 'Chicken Dawn,' who, tho' present, graciously ceded the part to novice Neiltron... But there was more to see at last Wednesday's show than a challengeable Chicken, or in this instance a Chanticleer... Much more... F'rinstance, a gaggle of gorgeous glamour dolls glimmered n' glommed the admiring attention of attentive admirers... Difficult indeed not to notice, n' you can quotus... We tell you, some of these women are just too damned attractive (pardon our French)-- it practically hurts to look at 'em. Curvaceous Claire Mack, f'rexample, whose art show @ the BLUESIX Acoustic Room, 3043 24th St. at Treat, just ended, was a major distraction from the action-- the two juniper-fresh Jessys, also, artist jewel-like Jessy Roadkill n' chanteuse julep-sweet Jessica 'Face' Brown upped the quotient of the comely, as did vivacious vixens kute Kristina n' easy-on-the-eyes Eva... Revved-up Rev. Chip proffered his usual thoughtful queries, Paul Pot donated some dream suppressant, n' big Ben 'Stars n' Garters' Burke made a pitch for financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne, injured in a motorcycle mishap in India n' needing funds to get into Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores. Sofar, th' community has raised more than 50 grand in just the past few daze... You can donate-- keep in touch with the latest developments at http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ --or donate thru paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com --the Friends of Hollis will thank you. And you'll be a member... Princely Paul de Jong, a.k.a. Duke Dutchy, gave us th' nod... We noted yo-yo yegg n' computer commander Cappy's friend n' housemate 'King Kong' Ken (who brought a lunch), and of course konstant Kaye. Malapert Mable Syrup also stood for the distaff division, ably supported by the Dark Room's radiant Rhiannon Charisse... There was no mistaking Loop! Station's ravishing Robin Coomer, too, who's flying high after the group debuted their newest CD, Love vs. Love. Get it at Fry's Electronics-- or right here, by clicking on cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 --get more on all this at www.loopthis.com -- n' support your local arts while they're still local... 'Tis th' Season... KrOB's Film Farm on the Bus is back! Yes, each Monday, March 9th thru the 30th-- the last four Mondays in March, meet in front of Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street at 7:00 PM n' board the Big Green Bus. then hold on for the ride as 'Columbus' Chicken pilots the famed vehicle, while KrOB's Movie Show unrolls on two separate screens, one in front n' one in back. Each show's a Double Feature-- the first (March 9th) will be X - the Unheard Music, followed by The Future is Unwritten, featuring the late Joe Strummer. The trip will be to the Albany Bulb for a Punk Rock Campfire with music, laughter n' much mischief. We'll all be back 'round Midnite. The whole thing is a bargain-- just ten measly bucks... If you're in upper Dolores Park, you can listen to a continuous hour-and-forty-five minute broadcast made by us (there we're Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM radio, 107.9 FM in (((stereo)))... And meanwhile, back at the show, a real blast Out of the Past took us all back to the old 12 Galaxies, and even older Odeon daze-- a question, proffered by proxy, from jocose Josh the Orange Box Man... sometimes those questions reach us from afar, which fits, since we're in a position to tell you confidentially that most of th' time, our answers to same come from even farther... you wouldn't believe how far... See you Wednesday night!