THE DR. HAL SHOW WEEKLY-DISPATCH COURIER-SENTINEL-TRIBUNE-INTELLIGENCER-PICAYUNE Vol. VII No. 5 SPECIAL EDITION ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "ASK DR. HAL!" READY FOR TRIFECTA! LONG-RUNNING SHOW LEAPS AND BOUNDS RESILIENTLY OVER ALL HURDLES AND OBSTACLES AT TWELVE GALAXIES WITH ALL- NEW QUIPS, QUIDDITIES, MYSTERY GUESTS WEDNESDAY September 27th This Week "Ask Dr. Hal" Presents: ANTHROPOID MOVIE CLIP! "Threat Display of the Choleric Gorilla!" Exciting K-Rob Film Clip of an Irascible Simian terrifying Rubes at Flea-pit Carnival-- Hollywood Style ALSO PERENNIALLY FEATURING KrOB's VIDEO VERTIGO!TM PREHISTORIC MONSTER SOLECISMS! DRUNKEN SPECTACLES! GIANT SPIDER PROVOCATIONS! BARDIC ERUPTIONS! WHIPPET-AU GO-GO! FERNET GIVEAWAYS! CHICKEN JOHN'S DISCURSIVE MONOLOGUE! DAVID CAPURRO SCOOPS & HAULS UP THE SLUDGE FROM THE SEA-FLOOR OF THE INTERNET! PETE GOLDIE'S STARRY WISDOM! FRANK CHU'S IMPASSIONED TOURETTE-LIKE PROTEST SPIELS! BULLDADA BARRAGE OF MOVING MOVIE MONSTER MOMENTS! FANATICAL, FUNDAMENTALIST SUBGENIUS DOCTRINE! WITH BELOVÉD SPECIAL GUEST STAR KOGAR, THE KILLER GORILLA! ALL BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND GAGS! GROANS! GOOFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! -------------- YOU are invited: ------------- ALSO FEATURING AIR GUITAR MASTER "TIGER" LATE OF L.A. It'll all be in our Award-winning Show (in the Bay Guardian Newspaper) WEDNESDAY NIGHT SEPT. 27TH! BEE THEIR OAR B SQUARE For immediate release-- The Ask Dr. Hal! show makes its way in the world, through swirling seas of incomprehension & indifference, to reach and divert its own special audience. Long-term attendees are well aware that in seasons when this Show is running, there's a certain zest in the air, a spring in your step, a song in your heart. Signs, Monsters & Prodigies are seen, to be sure, but only contained in & on KrOB's magic wonder-screen, for the delight & edification of All. Now in a comfortable, accommodating venue, 12 Galaxies on Mission St. near 22nd, the Show serves up Old Wine in New Bottles, so to speak. Actually, Metaphor aside, quite a variety of Alcohol is available to the discerning Imbiber (and to those less bibulous) before, during & after our Performance itself. And, unbelievably, though it may strain credulity, this veritable pinnacle of Entertainment will admit & welcome you for an altogether insignificant and trifling admission: STILL SEVEN PUNY DOLLARS! For more details, go to our wild & wiggly web site at http://askdrhal.com/ There's more added to this supernal Site all the time (by our own Wild-Man Webmaster Jascha Ephraim -- check out (or ask) the Question of the Day, enjoy new MP3 Files of Chicken & Hal gabbing on and on, gaze goggle-eyed at the incredible ever-expanding Pictorial Section, dazzle your ears with KrOB's Refrigerator Noise & remember: it's all about the show. Yes, we frankly admit-- would we deny it? --it's seven sheckels. No longer FREE at the late, great, oft-lamented Odeon bar, as during the Golden Age, where our low overhead allowed us to pass the savings along to you, for Fall 2006's incarnation of the show we are strenuously obliged to charge our patient patrons a paltry, pecuniary premium, the admission price of SEVEN DOLLARS ($7.00) American (the same amount it cost to attend our previous run @ 12G). Now, in keeping with the inflationary spirit of the times, we must request this modest, nominal charge for admission, a regrettable economic necessity in lean times of creeping crypto-fascism & monetary devaluation. Come on-- seven measly smackers-- what's that? The price-- or less-- of a mere burrito and beer (or the rough equivalent). But this sweaty, crumpled seven dollars admits you to a veritable wonderland, a memorable salon of music, mirth and intellectual inspiration-- it's actually quite a bargain, unlike the aforementioned (hypothetical) burrito. Speaking of which, the area abounds in culinary opportunities. Indeed, that burrito can be yours as close as the taqueria on the corner-- or, if you're surfeited with slumming, try the trendy, arty Foreign Cinema restaurant directly across from the premises-- or any of a multi-cultural gastronomic rainbow of choices to tickle even the sophisticated senses of a Brillat-Savarin or the jaded palate of the most titillated Trimalchio. Thai? Fried Chicken? This area's got it all. A more-than-generous Management will even allow you to bring that dripping burrito along with you, right into the club to devour-- there's no "corkage fee" or the burrito equivalent. So go ahead, explore, circumnavigate the globe of gourmandizing to be found in the "nabe;" -- be a gastronomic Magellan or a Vascular da Gama. Then, perhaps having dined, having also chosen not to heft that steaming burrito into the premises, amble on in to 12 Galaxies, pass the eagle-eyed, grim-visaged once-over of our brass-knuckled Doorman "Tiny" (no "terrorists" will be or ever have been admitted) and wash your repast down with any number of refreshing varieties of Alcohol, not excluding the (ughh) Miracle Liquid Fernet Branca. AIR GUITARIST Featured: A.D.H. Welcomes "TIGER!" Japan's Ochi "Dainoji" Yosuke was named the winner of the Air Guitar World Championship 2006 in Oulu, Finland this September 8th. Clad in a snug, tiger-adorned sweatshirt and ever-trendy aviator sunglasses (though the event took place indoors), Yosuke performed to Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl," which he began by nonchalantly strutting on stage as the song's intro boasted chunky bass riffs and building percussion. He didn't stay cool for long, though, for when the song's mad guitar-wheeling kicked in, Yosuke picked 'n' flipped his imaginary git-fiddle like a pro. The champ's technical merit scores rang in at 5.9 across the board, except from one stingy "judge" who rated him at a mere 5.8. But actually we're not getting that guy, apparently, but someone else in this most dubious enterprise. The U.S.'s Craig "Hot Lixx Houllihan" Billmeier came in at sixth place. Thank the Lord, at least we're not getting him, either. I suppose we have some standards. It's somebody from L.A., though. And he calls himself, "Tiger." What Chicken won't do to keep from having to pay "Opening Act" talent... An Irate Gorilla Lashes Out! Yes, you read it right, of all things, a Gorilla. It all takes place at a traveling carnival,with the main attraction being a gorilla named "Goliath," billed as the "World's Largest Gorilla... (who, it is said) cost the lives of 1,000 men before his capture." (Wow! Why, that score's better than King Kong, '33 or '06!) Barker Joey Matthews is about to enter the gorilla act, teamed with the owner's sultry wife La Verne. But then, one night, one of the workers is found dead, horribly mutilated and shoved against some spikes. Owner Cy Miller is automatically suspected because he and the dead man had a "confrontation" the night before. But then, one by one everyone is suspected by gutsy, gritty Sgt.Garrison who slowly finds out more and more about all who're involved. This is great stuff, we kid you not. From the voluminous visual files of mighty KrOB. This absolutely educational and scientific presentation is offered as part of our ongoing show at the Best Night Club Experience for the Discriminating-- Twelve Galaxies. Social Notes As advertised, we put on a nonpareil iteration of Ask Dr. Hal! with a twin birthday tribute to scrivener "Scribe" Jones and Archivist of Superceded Optical Reproduction Systems Molli Simon. But, though prepared with gifts and video tributes, only the former actually showed up to receive his kudos (& free Fernet offering). At press time we still don't know what happened to Molli. This unwarranted breakdown of communication in the by-our-Lady "Digital Age" cannot be countenanced, either as an Act of God or the Devil. Why would anyone not want to be "honored" at Ask Dr. Hal? Still, we ploughed on... The show had started with the usual tirade from frantic Frank Chu, followed by Interplanetary Pasha Pete Goldie and his sanguine Space Science lecture. Then, all Gehenna busted loose. Just when we thought it was safe for Kogar the Mystery Gorilla to make his traditional entrance on stage in his time-tested role as The Brazilian Astronaut, instead a silvery Giant Robot loomed in his place. Despite Dr. Goldie's attempts at remote-control, the unit catastrophically failed-- and the sinister Automaton, arms flailing, advanced to smash a box of pathetically mewing free kittens on the stage. For shame, Pete! Keep your androids under control, we advise. It was, we were later assured, what they call a "technical glitch." Still, as always, The Show Must Go On, & the night was eventually enlightened by much bonhomie... The audience thronged with Dr. Hal Show fans, including Stuart Mangrum, Significant Other Michelle, Cathy Gottisod, Yogini Jen, & Sarah-the-Bartender... Svelte siren Jessie came to the show, fully recuperated, or so it seemed, from her recent desert mishap. Before Burning Man even started, a little bird told me, she was promptly run over by an Art Car. Then she experienced her own personal helicopter ride, airlifted to Reno... Prominent among new faces: newcomer 'Becca Necsiabrets & Gal Pal Mindy Treattigs... Brooke "Snatch Girl," Black Rock City Heavy Equipment Operator, was in attendance. She's a top-flight photog-- here's hoping she snapped some pix... Cloe Ashton was of course in the house to cheer on KrOB, while we noted Sister Mable Syrup at a forward table... Then there was indefatigable Paul "Pot" with his welcome donative-- he's working on Pete's N.A.S.A.-approved model of the Cassini Space Probe for next wks. show-- Josh the Orange Box Man & rubicund-phiz'd Moses. I believe that was indeed Mark Perez avec entourage... And also in the crowd appeared an unknown, Patchouli-scented hippie, whose identity, if extant, was concealed from all, even pertinacious Chicken, who was told "I'm not 'into' names, man." All-righty for you, Mr. Hippie, but you still made "Social Notes." The Show concluded in novel fashion: a Bus Trip. Yes, Chicken had hinted that one might be in the offing, and all those who spotted a familiar, still Playa-dusted green bus in front of 12 Galaxies-- a 1968 GMC motor coach with an 8-cylinder Diesel engine, a 3-speed automatic Allison tranny and no power steering-- could guess what was up. Or thought they could, anyway, for this was no bowling trip that Chicken was planning... You see, a little while back, showman Chicken John had found, lying on the sidewalk on Mission St., a driver's license belonging to one Wayne Carl Andrew of Santa Rosa. Now the incredible plan was that after concluding the show we'd all pile aboard the good old Odeon "Applause" bus & take Mr. Andrew his lost driver's license. Well, the show ended about a quarter of an hour after Midnight. With the "I-can't-be-up-so-late" crowd winnowed out, the rest of us got aboard. After a few stops at Donut Shoppes & the like, the old girl soon trundled across the G.G. Bridge and into the scenic county of Marin. On & on the bus roared, gulping expensive fuel and eating up every bit of profit we'd made on the show that night. Outside, silhouettes of trees rushed by against the starred sky. Eventually finding Pepperwood Road, the rustic lane on which, according to the license, Mr. Andrew resided, Chicken carefully eased the behemoth through a full turn on the dead-end street. That's so we'd be pointing in the right direction for a getaway in case Wayne Carl, whose three first names name and pop-eyed visage (on the D.L.) suggested a serial killer, was in fact a serial killer and perhaps "testy" at being awakened by a busload of giggling idiots at 2 AM, even if he was getting his missing I.D. back. Well sir, we pulls up in front of the house nice & quiet-like. All the lights are off. And, guess what-- left over from the show we happened to have a silvery robot suit aboard. So Chick won't allow anyone to get off except the robot, who goes stomping over and rings the doorbell. For a long time nothing happens. Then a faint light goes on and the guy comes to the door in his boxer shorts, staring uncomprehendingly at the blinking 'bot. "What's up?" he grunts. The robot holds out the license in its pincer claw. "This-is-your-driver's license," it intones. Then back into the bus double-time and we all grind away. "I'm not sure it was the guy," mused the robot suit's occupant. "It was totally him!" exulted Cloe. Meanwhile, Moses, already several sheets to the wind, poured down beer after beer. "I don't do drugs," pontificated the disgracefully drunk drunk. "Man, do I have to take a wicked piss!" Well, Mose, what you pour in here eventually has to come out there. I also discussed various drugs & their effects with Josh the Orange Box Man. It was a long, long ride back... Technical Footnote Careful observers of the last episode of the all-new Ask Dr, Hal! show noted that we now feature a new player. Yes, something new has been added-- KrOB's spanking new keyboard, the ultra-impressive Mammoth Synchtron 3000. It was about time for an upgrade, according to K.R., and this baby just fits the bill. They say it can do just about anything. More toggles & switches than the cockpit of a Boeing 747. Yes, sir (or Madam), you can expect to hear a whirlwind of new sound & musical effects when this wonder-device is put into harness. Incidentally, in addition to his notorious "edits," KrOB also creates video bookends to the show as of old. Come early, or stay late if you're a fan-- and check these out. Always something to see, see? YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! AS AN EXPERIMENT, NEXT WEEK'S EDITION OF THIS REPORT WILL BE PUT OUT BY GUEST EDITOR CHICKEN JOHN. This is it! ASK Dr. HAL! INCORPORATING NEW & FAMILIAR FEATURES & SIDESHOWS, SCIENCE, SORCERY [EXCLUDING NECROMANCY] & SOPHISTRY-- ALL IN THE STYLE OF THE LATE, GREAT ODEON AGAIN AT 12 GALAXIES, A HIGH-TONED, HIGH-CEILINGED ESTABLISHMENT WITH FULL BAR YOU NEVER KNOW WHO WILL SHOW UP OR WHAT WILL HAPPEN! THIS WEDNESDAY! Can't wait till then? Check out the Dr. Hal Show right now! ...via nosy newshound-shutterbug Scott Beale's pix shot right at the scene with digital diligence. To ogle his complete, sequential photo-record/slide show of the spied Show, go, man, go-- to http://laughingsquid.com/2006/03/21/ask-dr-hal-show-chicken-johns-birthday-photos/ Be honest. Haven't you missed it? Hasn't there been a gnawing sense of something missing in your life? Something like... THE AFFABLE, AMIABLE COMMENTARY & MONOLOGUE OF YOUR TWINKLY, GENIAL CO-HOST CHICKEN JOHN THE MARVELLOUS MUTATED MUSICAL MEANDERINGS OF COFFEE CULT HERO K-ROB (not the false, Oakland K-Rob, but the true Hero of Café This and Clandestine Radio) AND THE CHEST-BEATING BRAVADO OF AN INSANELY FURIOUS MONSTER GORILLA (I know, they're supposed to be peaceful, endangered leaf-eaters but who cares?) AND THE SIMMERING SIMPATICO SIMIAN, KOGAR THE LIVE ACTION THRILLER GORILLER (Don't worry, folks-- he gets plenty of bananas) AND BEWILDERING FOOTAGE OF DINOSAURS & FORMER U.S. PRESIDENTS AND THE OPTICAL OBLOQUY OF COMPUTER & YO-YO FIEND DAVID CAPURRO (From his mind through the cross-connected wiring of the Internet to your eyes) AND THE SUPREME SCIENTIFIC SHOW-AND-TELL OF N.A.S.A. LIASON & ASTRO-EXPERT PETE GOLDIE (The Learn'd Astronomer, a Boffo Boffin, Interprets the Starry Realm) AND THE IMPASSIONED BUT ULTIMATELY INCOHERENT RANTING OF PERENNIAL PROTEST-SIGN BEARER FRANK CHU (You can depend on his being there) All accompanying THE STARTS, FITS, ORACULAR & BARDIC RESPONSES, RUMINATIONS & REJOINDERS OF Dr. HOWLAND OWLL, B.A., M.C.S. etc. THAT IS, AFTER YOU MANAGE TO PASS THE GIMLET-VISAGED GAZE OF OUR SURLY, MENACING DOORMAN "TINY" Remember, we are perpetually endeavoring to improve our presentation, and adjusting our new format for the convenience of our dedicated friends and patrons. We entreat our old fellow-travellers to remember that, these days, contrary to their previous experience and expectation, the show actually will start on time. These days that means ten sharp. Last time the whole thing-- not counting the After-Show Bus Trip-- was two hours long! We don't want to get our audience fired when they come stumbling & bumbling into their day jobs sleep-deprived on account of us. Remember, if in the past we've been late in casting off, that has been partially your fault. Oh, if enough people would only come earlier, we wouldn't have to hold the curtain. But for the rest of it we have to take responsibility-- otherwise there's a very real tendency for showtime always to lag while we go through endless permutations of sound checks, trapeze-rigging, KrOB cajoling, backstage dressing room hysterics or what have you. And this forthcoming time might be no different. Do come early, not late-- even if we're delayed it gives y'all time to schmooze & socialize, hang out, drink, laugh and swap lies. It's a party. An oasis of Slack in your week that it just doesn't make sense to miss. BE THERE SEPTEMBER 27TH-- THE SECOND HELPING OF THE ALL-NEW ASK Dr. HAL! L e g a l D i s c l a i m e r Not for Logophobics. "Ask Dr. Hal" is open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken John permanently boots out of 12 Galaxies. Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations are available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else, including all would-be prospective opening act performers, is asked to present his or her resume, life history, astrological chart, nude photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, pickled punks, tortillas or scat-stained BVDs with miraculous portraits of Jesus, Mohammed or Pee-Wee Herman thereupon, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, 8mm, Super 8, 16mm or Viewmaster 3-D reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken"John for evaluation when he is available. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder) "relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise you in legal, medical or personal matters, critique your "poetry," artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu phrenological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition which begins at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with questions when it isn't even Wednesday and I'm not doing the show. Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, witches, bitches, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, young, impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences. Yelling at the stage from the audience will be severely discouraged. For interface during showtime we suggest the "side note." Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age). We almost always show a dinosaur movie. Pens, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hypnotic and horrific. Reads tea leaves and T-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world and the next, for all the good it does. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick, though at times barely able to function sexually. Bring your parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. May take attendees bowling in the middle of the night. Reveals Past Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend. They really are maddeningly lovely. A co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the head and the contours of the uncovered female body. Buy my horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns, if you have a taste for giant spiders, crumbling skulls, leering "Horror Hosts," improbable, repulsive monsters, the sexual revenge of frustrated scientists, re-animated walking corpses, the Vengeance of the Dead-- that sort of thing. I'll have a few to sell right at the show. Buy my innovative tome The Meaning of Lost and Mismatched Socks from Frog, Ltd. or right there at the show from me personally. Buy my prophetic comic book Alien Apocalypse 2006, a collaboration with Underground Comix legend Spain Rodriguez, from Frog, Ltd. or right there at the show from me personally. After November, buy my new hardback book, Dinosaur Alphabet from Frog, Ltd. or right there at the show from me personally. And I'll sign any and all of these books, thus exponentially increasing their collector's value. Beware-- my supply is not unlimited-- far from it. First come, first served. Brought to you by the Miracle Liquor the elixir vitae Fernet Branca, proud sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001 A.D. From now on until they force us out into the street, all questions instantly and irrevocably become the property of the management. We reserve the right to refuse service to you and all your kin, reject inappropriate questions and eject inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Mission drunks, tosspots, plug-uglies and owlhoots: if you try to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced." As for everybody else, Chicken may unaccountably pelt you with wadded up papers-- but it's all in good fun, isn't it? Although, after coming across with our more-than-reasonable "entrance fee," it is not strictly necessary to pay more to enjoy the performance, and any such payment will not ensure or guarantee your appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a so-called "Bardic Recitation." Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by a turba philosophorum-- an assembled mob of magic 8-balls. The gabby Sternbergh 8-ball (heard editorializing a few years ago on KQED FM) can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a "yes or no" question, this type of answer frankly doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. And if you don't see what you want, just ask. We hope you have no objection, aesthetic or otherwise, to Gorilla or Robot Suits.Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Featured on the radio, and in the Italian Daily Press. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Rough on Rats. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments. That could make you laugh in public when you're not expecting it-- but don't blame us. Better than "The Playboy Advisor," and certainly cheaper. Recorded on Video Tape. There may be "Whippets." Are you really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. At least somebody is. We're obviously not for everybody, but then, as R. Crumb said, not everything's for children-- not everything's for everybody. Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election, vote them out of office next time. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized! We're located in the fluttering, fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming Mission District. I'm not afraid of any so-called robot. Take Muni lines 14 or 49. Take the J Church streetcar to the 22nd St. stop and walk downhill. Take B.A.R.T. to 16th or 24th St. Station, transfer to Muni or walk the rest of the way-- it won't kill you, unlike some of the people on Muni. Take LSD and hallucinate the entire experience. And take the entire thing cum grano salis. But read all instructions (provided) before participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment. Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. We will meet again in the place where there is no darkness.